Well, here we are again....only it's 4 wks later. Nancy is still having issues w/her blood markers (c125 to all us in the know). After the last scheduled cycle (this was one treatment every Thurs. (always on Thurs) for 3 wks-then 1 wk off-so "cycle" means 6chemo treatment within 8 wks..got it!) her markers had actually risen again and not dropped. What's this mean....do I really have to spell it out...it means things are not working...whatz this mean...do I need to spell this out as well...it's means that she is going to have to keep doin' more chemo treatments...it means that she has been doin' this since the first wk of Dec. (for those of you who can't do the math-it's been 7 months) and she will have to keep going back until the numbers drop. She had do a doppler (along the lines of an ultrasound) on her right arm 'cuz it's swelling and tender in certain parts. There were looking for a clot...maybe...didn't find anything....but how often do med prof's screw up and miss something....it's almost commonplace these dayz by my findings.
So anyway, inbetween this last round of treatments she had to go and have a port installed. For those of you who don't ahve a clue it's a device that's implanted under the skin just about the breast (which right now she needs to have the implant on that side done again but can't 'cuz she's still doin' fucking chemo...get it!). The reason for the "port" - well after 5 yrs of constantly having to have your veins (they can only use ONE ARM!) poked multiple times each time you have a treatment that wear out/ blow out - it causes a lot of pain, etc. In short, it's like a what happens to a junkie (aka: heroin addict- for those who don't have a clue). You wear your veins out! Now as you have read it may appear that by my writings that I am extremely ...what's the word.....there isn't one....no words can describe how this effects me.....part of me feels insane ....the other part has to cope and deal w/everything from my portion of the trauma....I have no answers...I can't fix this! And I can fix just about any fucking thing!
So, on top of this Staci (for those not in the know...Nancy's "only" daughter) is having major struggles w/what is "Stage 4" breast cancer. It's in the bone up by the collarbone/shoulder area. She has been bombarded for 5days/wk for 7 wks w/radiation...then every wk she does the chemo thing (she & Nancy do chemo together on the same day/time...gee wht a great family activity) and it's still does not look promising....which means "terminal"...get that...T..E..R..M..I..N..A..L!! JUST LIKE NANCY!! We know she is but we don't really talk about that...I refuse to believe that and figure in my own feeble mind that things will work out. If I chose to look at it differently...I go insane and lose my mind! I have no idea how they both handle it. I know they've talked w/each other about who will go first....we just don't hear it....it's their own conversation which we are not allowed to hear.
So, we're in Dallas (Grand Prairie) tonight for a race Sun. > it gives us the feeling that things are normal. It's as close as we can get it sometimes.
I'm sorta on a roll tonight...I am bitter!...this is robbing my of someone that loves me just for me (and tolerates it) and I'll neva be able to find that again!!...EVER!!
I gotta go...got to get back on the positive side of things....the goal "To keep Nancy alive so we can make it to Ironman...TOGETHER!!! My dream...her dream....always has been.
So, I'll end as usual until next time....Mucho love, Roger